Running, Again? Running, Away?

I don't think it was a whim, but I don't know why I stopped out of the blue to buy new running shoes. I hardy run these days. But I did, and I shelled out the bucks for the new shoes (the current version of the shoes I've been running in since August 2004), as well as some fancy socks and a shirt. And then I came home, chatted with my flatmate, had a glass of wine, and pondered going to bed. Realizing that I should put those new shoes to use (if anything to justify the ridiculous price of 75 US$, I mean that'd do a long way for some friends back in SA), I abruptly stood up from the table, finished a generous gulp of wine, and went and changed to go running.

I put on my ipod to my running mix, the same mix of 164 songs that I've had for years, and set off. I turned the corner and headed down Route 5. I don't know what it was that took me back in an instant to that first night I ran in Dublin. Maybe it was running along a busy road (there, it had been South Circular Road), maybe it was the cool, misty night air. Maybe it was knowing that my legs were going to be sore in the morning, as I was biting off more than I should by hitting the pavement, but I felt like I'd gone back in time. And for a few blocks, maybe a mile (I wish I could say a few miles), I kept having flashbacks to my running progress in Dublin. After that first run, I couldn't run for a week. And then I ran around a park for a while, a meager few blocks, and then I was running more. Running along the River Liffey. Running through Dublin-no longer embarrassed to be out running. As I changed my running route, I discovered new areas to run in Dublin. New Parks I had never explored. New pubs which I made a mental note to check out, though usually forgot about once I got home. When a certain song plays when running, I can recall exactly where I was in Dublin during certain runs...

I turned the block, and ran past an Indian restaurant. And that triggered a flashback to a night when I went running during my intern year. A cold night. I'd run from my flat, down to the hospital, and around a neighborhood. I'd run past Gabby's house- and saw she wasn't home, and I wasn't sure why she and I had not talked in a few days-both busy I'd suspected. The Indian restaurant I was passing is where she took me for my birthday, and the conversation that night is permanently etched in my memory. We were going to make the world a better place. She wouldn't let me sell out, and as I ran, I thought what advice she'd be giving me now. "Fuck those job offers, are you kidding me, there are people out there who really need our help." She didn't hold back. And I miss that. She gave me coffee and a tie for my birthday. I don't wear that tie nearly enough. Maybe I'll wear it tomorrow.

I was lost in thought. Am I running to somewhere? Or am I running from something? For months I've agonized where my paths is going. I've solicited (both bluntly and circuitously) the insight from friends, sometimes hoping that one or two of them would pin me down and spell it out for me. Because I cannot see the path anymore. When my world crashed in July and August, all I could think of was Denver. On more than one occasion in the past 4 months, I contemplated flying out to Denver the following morning, fuck residency. Having the support from my family when I did see them in July, and the joy of hanging out with nieces and nephews, combined with the awesomeness of Denver made it clear, that Denver is where I thought I needed to go, and the ball was set in motion. On a Saturday in September, after Randall's memorial, I was sitting outside drinking margaritas and chowing down Nachos, surrounded by a great group of people; it was again evident that Denver is where I was headed.

I was lost in thought, until I saw a dodgy person on the sidewalk with a German shepherd. I'm in a residential neighborhood, in a safe part of town. This is not Johannesburg. I am safe here. He nods as I run past. More than once, in Jo'burg, I had crossed the street, or taken a turn and changed my path when I was running and saw a group of people on the street at night. It had taken me months to work up the courage to run there. I miss running in the nature reserve; I miss seeing zebras and wildebeests on runs. I miss Jo'burg, period. And then I heard Gabby again, and I wonder if I am running from the thing I really want to do, to oblige the banks who loaned me the vast sums of money so I could get to this point.

As I reach the driveway, the only Jewel song in this mix, Who Will Save Your Soul starts playing. I smile as I stretch. Maybe the answer is neither. I'm not running to nor from somewhere/something.

I'm just running...


BPB

Running into the Sunset

I debated, hard. Opening my bottle of Meerlust and watching the sunset versus a run. I needed something. I needed to appreciate the dusk. It was a perfect cloudless Jozi evening, and the sunset was going to be superb, and I was not sure which would be the better way to appreciate it, a glass of fine wine, or sweating and pounding the pavement.

I gave my Swiss housemate a ride into town today. He is going to be leaving the house and will be living on part of the Wits campus--the old Johannesburg College of Education Campus. At JCE, I showed the guard my Wits Staff ID card, and we drove into the campus. And I dropped him off outside Gyrton Hall. And unexpectedly, a flood of memories were unleashed. Almost exactly 5 years ago to the date, I was dropped off, outside Gyrton Hall, by a taxi, and a few days later I would be getting ready to start my rotation at Bara, as a medical student.

 

From there, I left and headed over to 44 Stanley, home of my favorite coffee roasters. When I was there a few days ago, the head Barista and I were chatting and he told me I must stop by again before I leave Jozi. So I popped in this morning to enjoy my new favorite coffee drink (a PICCOLO- a strong, sweet latte served in a 90ml glass), do a bit of work, and then chat with the Barista. It was slightly embarrassing a few days ago when we did finally chat. For some reason, when he found out I was leaving, we just ended up having this great spontaneous conversation about being foreigners, and life etc. Turns out, he is a Zim refugee, who was a high school teacher before he was forced to flee Zim. (Does this sound familiar)? Anyway, when I headed to the till to pay, he handed me an SA music CD, as a gift. Needless to say, I was shocked at the kindness of this very humble ex-teacher-now-barista.

 

From there I may my way to Parkhurst, where I had a late breakfast with one of my ID attendings. We chatted and ate for 2 hours, catching up on clinic business, as well as possible future plans for pursuing a Trop Med course (she's pushing for me to consider the program where she went). Suddenly it was approaching 1pm, and I was overdue at the HIV clinic for lunch. We parted and headed to Bara.

 

I joined the HIV team for lunch, AK and I chatted for a bit, and then we walked to the xray department to consult the radiologists on a patient he was seeing, I ended up in clinic and made a round to say farewell to the other consultants, as well as the counselors, and then I headed to Ward 18, my old ward. My favorite pediatric nurse and I chatted for a bit, took some pics, and while I was there, the Registrars I worked with were there for a pedi infectious diseases round, so it was marvelous running into them and having a bit of closure. And then I departed for home.

 

And driving home, thinking about packing up my room, it just suddenly hit me that this was, or is, my last night in Mondeor. I made a cup of coffee, mulled over things, and then it was obvious-I could time it perfectly so that as I ran away from the house, I'd see the blue-purple haze hit the hills, and when I reached my turn back point, I'd capture the best part of the sunset. And that's what happened. Finally, after many attempts, I capture it perfectly. I went to the nature reserve, stopped to watch the stars, and the brushfire off in the distance..

 

Now it is late. Very late. I'm half packed. The bottle of Meerlust has enough wine for one glass (I took it to my landlord's house as we watched SA lost to Brazil and discussed life and their departure for Kili in the morning).

 

That is it. Off into the sunset. A year at Bara is over.

 

Thanks for reading these posts.

 

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One Last Time.

I want to do it one last time... "It" is a long list.

I want to do for one last sundowner at the Westcliffe.

I want to spend a summer evening at Lulu's after work, sitting outside reading and drinking coffee.

I want to be having breakfast at Espresso, hung over (mildly), laughing about the previous night.

I want to go back to Simply Blue on Pride night.

I want to sit outside at Mandela Square, during the week, in the middle of the day, eating sushi.

I want to take the minibus to work.

I want to see the Apartheid museum one more time.

I want to drive on the M1, amazed at the people walking along the highway, on their way home from work.

I want to be back in Nepal, back in Lesotho, back at Vic Falls, back in Cape Town, back in Clarens.

I want to be back in Ward 18 (especially now that I know so much more than a year ago).

I want to run through the nature reserve, stop, look at the zebras wildebeests and blesbock, and still be shocked that they are down the road from my house.

I want to the miracle of people coming to the HIV clinic weeks later, healthier, not dead.

I want to be in the pediatric cath lab with the peds cardiology team, learning and laughing.

I want to be at the airport, seeing the look on S&S face. Not sure if they are more confused because I've returned with only the clothes I'm wearing, or if they are more amused that I can't figure out how the hell to get to where I parked my car.

I want to spend a Saturday at Bean There studying and reading, and then meet up with friends in the afternoon, and end up back at home Sunday night.

 

What do I still want to do.

-nil-

-nada-

-zip-

-zero-

-zilch-

I've done it all. I'm cleaning and starting preliminary packing, and I just saw the list that I made a year ago. I did every single thing on that list. Life is too damn short to make lists of things to do, places to see and to not scratch items off that list regularly.

 

Back to cleaning..

 

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New Pics

Pics from the Sani Pass and from my farewell braai are now up:

 

http://picasaweb.google.com/BackToBara

 

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Bakers Chocolate

This is what I remember. It was winter, and we were on winter break. I was in third, maybe fourth grade. Our grandmother was visiting, and she was legendary for her cooking. And her baking. Our parents were at work, and she was baking away in the kitchen. I'd been hanging out, hoping for left over brownie batter. It doesn't get much better than having warm freshly grandmotherly-baked brownies on a wintery Colorado day during school break. Well, maybe it would have been better had the brothers not been around and I'd gotten both of the beaters and the brownie batter.

 

But I remember watching her put away the chocolate as she cleaned up the kitchen while perfection was cooking in the oven. And I made a mental note to remember where the chocolate had been stashed. And enjoyed knowing that the brothers didn't know about this secret stash. And at the opportune time, when the house was quiet, I made a break for the goods.

 

It's the anticipation of chocolate that I like. Knowing that I'm going to be enjoying one of the most pleasurable tastes of sweetness. Taking a bite of chocolate and letting the chocolate melt as the butteriness of the flavor comes to life is as blissful as that first sip of a great cup of coffee.

 

That's the level of sweetness that I felt on Friday. I was in my surrogate home, the place which has been my refuge while here in Jozi. S&S and I were setting up for my farewell braai (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braai), and Scott and I were talking about what I was looking forward to, when I get back to the US. And how sweet it will be to see my family and friends again.

 

As I grabbed the bakers chocolate, I took off a piece, for eating the whole thing would raise suspicion. And with that first bite, the shock of the bitterness of Bakers Chocolate was an unwelcome surprise to the expected sensation of sweetness.

Why the hell would there be such a thing as "bitter sweet." And why wouldn't they make that more clear on the damn package.

 

I came here to Jo'burg this year, and had one simple goal. I wanted to learn about TB, HIV, and pediatric malnutrition. Those were the absolute goals. There were other minor goals, but those only involved travel plans. As we sat around and ate Friday, I realized that this year has been far more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I remember those first few weeks when I arrived here, having a few contacts from mutual friends, but having not really met people, and thinking that it would be a monk-ish year, filled with days at the hospital, then evenings of going to the gym, then reading about patients in the evening.

 

I would have never imagined that Jo'burg would become home. And that the emotions of preparing to depart are emotions I last felt almost 9 years ago when I left Colorado. The work has been rewarding in ways that are much different from practicing medicine back in the US. But on Friday, I realized that I've been fortunate to amass a beautiful collection of friends. And as I've thought about my impending departure, I though about how much I'm going to miss them. On Friday, my friends were South Africa, Dutch, Swiss, Spanish, Argentinean, American, British, Belgium, (and maybe one or two that aren't coming to me right now). And there I was surrounded by my closest friends as we had a farewell Braai The mixture of friendship, feast, and wine was perfect.

 

Like the bakers chocolate, there was bitterness. Bitter that I'm leaving this behind. The friendships will continue, the work will be here shall I be able to return in the future, but all of a sudden I find that I am not ready to head back to the US, and slightly bitter that my departure is now less than a week away...

 

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Whoa!

Back from the Sani Pass yesterday. Was beautiful. The 4-wheeling was great fun.

 

But now, it's full throttle right now. Like a maniac, I'm trying to sell my car (and wow, what a fun experience this is turning out to be), trying to finish my research project (and wow, I'm even further behind than I thought, after talking to my advisor today), trying to decide what to pack (and wow, I have a lot of crap, a lot of which is outdoor equipment I already have in the US), trying to get the post office to find my stuff (and wow, they may give some reimbursement-too bad I can't really recall what was in there, as well as the fact that the most precious thing has no value).

 

I'm in a bit of a whirlwind right now, and am so aware that these minor hassles are a small "price" to pay for such a great year...

 

I slept under the stars Monday night and tried to reflect. I couldn't really reflect because I had a migraine headache, was sleeping outside because the B&B was too noisy, and it was freezing. I thought watching for shooting stars and reflecting about the past year would bring me to some profound thought that I could summarize, and would help my migraine go away. My migraine didn't go away. And I didn't have profound thoughts. But I did see, perhaps, the most brilliant shooting star of my life. And for some reason, enjoying the moment solo, cold, and in discomfort was perfect.

 

The next few days are occupied with the above tasks. Selling my car. Packing. De-cluttering (just will let you guess what that means). Haggling with the post office. Finishing my research. Enjoying time with my friends. Implied in this, is drinking boat loads of coffee (and likely wine).

 

Departure from Jozi: Saturday June 27

Back to work (in the ICU for a few days, if you can believe that one) July 1.

 

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Briefly

Last official Bara shift starts in 8 hours.

I need to finish packing for my last adventure in SA.

Back in a few days.

 

 

 

BPB